Vote for the Slurpee

As my eyes fail to flop to stage one, I find myself wondering what it’s like to be a Bush voter. How does a Bush voter confine herself so willingly to the mortified state of status quo? What is it about leaving this nation in the hands of a unilateral-minded Chuck Bronson type who wouldn’t consider an alternative viewpoint if God gave him a rimjob in the middle of a brisk run that suggests confidence?

How does a staunch Republican believe that a blathering, brisk-spending cur like Bush is the best that our nation can offer? That a man incapable of distinguishing between singular and plural in general discourse is a skilled statesman?

I ask this because I’m tired of the televised suspense. I’m tired of the weak-kneed undecideds in the swing states. They resemble thirtysomething bachelors who wouldn’t know the benefits of commitment if it bit them on the ass. I’m tired of the blather from both sides and the fact that not a single poll can figure out what the hell is going on amongst the vox populi. I’m tired of perpetuating a climate of fear, because that’s what Karl Rove wants us to feel. If I hear another tale of some otherwise sensible person moving to Canada, I’ll scream. Fuck you. This is your country. You don’t give up. And if you care enough about the nation and the world at large, it’s your goddam job to convince at least five people to cast their decision for the other guy, however insalubrious he might be.

Yes, the man to replace Our Fearless Leader comes across at times like a discombubulated somnabulator. But then so was the hefty, chronically napping William Taft. Of course, back in 1908, Taft was up against the blustery Williams Jennings Bryan and Eugene Debs (the Nader of his time) running on the Socialist ticket. Taft won. But then Taft was a Freemason and a third-rate Teddy Roosevelt trustbuster. But he was the best our nation could do at the time. It was either Taft or the raving evangelist running the country. The people made the right decision. Even when it involved putting their confidence into a trusty hand-me-down.

And that’s the idealistic conundrum in a nutshell. The United States of 1908 possessed cast-iron balls to vote for the least insane candidate on the ballot. The people of today are so obsessed with getting the candidate that they want that they grasp for straws in the same harried manner that they bitch to a 7-11 manager about a sludgy Slurpee. I say live with the goddam Slurpee for four years. If he’s truly a dud, you can always vote him out in 2008. It’s the closest thing this country has to a refund policy.


  1. Since you asked “what it’s like to be a Bush voter” I’ll clue you in.
    It’s like hopping off the knee-jerk anti-Republican bandwagon and watching with a mixture of pity and schadenfreude as it hurtles off a cliff.
    Some folks (like you, I guess, and my former self)
    would never dream of voting Republican largely because People of A Certain Type Just Don’t Do That.
    Wouldn’t your friends be horrified, or make fun of you?
    And aren’t the Republicans really all just Evil, Stupid, Greedy Fundamentalists?
    Huh. That’s funny…weren’t those Damn Conservatives the ones supposed to have the black’n’white worldview? Yet we find ourselves reflexively assuming the Republicans are always wrong about everything of consequence. Is it really that simple? Or are we seeing some, uh…prejudice? Groupthink? Hmmmn….
    Also, please remember: democracy = majority rule.
    Most Bush-haters can barely conceal – strike that – can’t HELP revealing, or even FLAUNTING their contempt for mainstream thought and culture.
    It’s called “mainstream” because it appeals to the majority.
    The one that rules.
    The secret fantasy of the left is an aristocracy of socialist hipsters.
    Good luck trying to con the average American into voting for it. They’re not as stupid as you think, y’know.
    I still believe Bush is wrong about every social issue but, sadly, all that stuff will just have to wait until the war’s over.
    And the correct paradigm for this war is WWII, not Vietnam.
    The Left’s inability to adapt to that paradigm shift will leave the Republicans in charge of all 3 branches of government. This isn’t really what I’d call a good thing, but I don’t reckon enough Democrats are gonna admit their bandwagon is headed in the wrong direction until it actually plummets off that cliff.
    Enjoy the ride!

  2. Is it hard to imagine people that think differently than you? How hard is it to understand that some people find Bush a flawed but nevertheless fundamentally better candidate than Kerry? I have hard time understanding how anyone can get excited about John Kerry but I can conceptualize why he has supporters – I disagree but I see why. There are millions of people who think that Bush is the only candidate that takes the war on terror seriously. There are also millions of people who think Kerry is willing to say anything to get elected; that he is a man with few if any basic convictions. Throw in taxes, abortion, gay marriage, etc. and you have a picture of how different some people’s world view is from your own. The GOP didn’t become the majority party through smoke and mirrors, they actually won elections all over the country. Get used to it.

  3. You know what, Kevin? Geroge Bush wouldn’t deign to understand an alternative world view if it came to him from God. Whereas I’m curious to know what motivates your thoughts beyond the jejune mainstream/elistist dichotomy so frequently tossed about by neocons who think they have it made for the next half century. If that’s it, then you really are a predictable lot. But then again, so are Kerry voters. But that’s not the point here.

    Or, to summarize, fuck you, kiss my ass. And fuck you again. I don’t need this shit today. Really I don’t.

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