Year / 2005

by Edward Champion

Movable Hype 3.2 Released

SAN FRANCISCO (AP): This morning, Sick Apart managed to stop the earth’s rotation as they released Movable Hype 3.2, the latest version of their overpriced software. Geeks, needing a new fix and locked into high anxiety (with a steady upsurge in cardiac arrest) after learning earlier this year that Apple would be using Intel microprocessors, worked themselves into a frothy lather the very minute the latest version of Movable Hype was released. They pledged their firstborn children to Sick Apart, hoping to support the college fund for Anal Dash’s children. They downloaded pictures of Vern and Myrna Glottal Stop, replacing their Norman Rockwell paintings with these safe and delightful images, and remarked upon how cute these people were. (Every company needs a few icons!) They offered credit card numbers and sent Paypal funds with unfettered brio. This was indeed a cash bonanza.

Here are some of the features you get with the new version:

  • Glitzy Interface: Forget functionality. All along, Movable Hype has been about looking sleek. Your post will still take forever to process as your server struggles to process unruly CGI scripts. And being a company run by a bunch of upstart kids, Sick Apart has never once considered the fact that vision actually declines over the years. So the typeface within that “Entry Body” box is smaller than ever! For an extra $20, the Old Fart Plug-In will assuage this problem.
  • More Frustrations for Additional Users: It’s now easier for anyone to get annoyed by the Movable Hype license agreements. Start as many blogs as you want! But let our powerful tools frustrate you if you have a guest blogger stop on by. Because this is an army of one. Remember, kids. Blogging isn’t about community. It’s about narcissistic empowerment.
  • Personal Community Management: Like other companies, don’t expect to call us on the phone. Expect a reply by email when we get around to it. Feel free to shell out your $100 and never expect to be able to talk to anyone without paying a substantial sum after 30 days! Our Personal Community Management will have you struggling to find an answer in the Movable Hype Knowledge Base. That’s what we call empowerment, kids!
  • More Spam Comments: Just when you thought you couldn’t get enough of this odious clutter in your blog and your email, we’ve once again completely failed to help you here. But with the new version, you will have at least seven spam-related comments less than you had before. And I’m sure we can all agree here that it’s all about gradual development, no?

Because remember. At Sick Apart, blogging’s not about personal expression. It’s about cash and silly hype. If this emphasis weren’t clear enough, we’ve actually referred to our work here as “tools” instead of “scripts.” Further, we’ve had the audacity to tell you that this release has “gone gold,” as if we had just released a multidisc version of a next-generation, graphics-intensive first-person shooter.

But we hope that you’ll keep believing us when we say that, as the cash flows in from you suckers, the last laugh is truly on us!

by Edward Champion

Raquel & Janis

DICK CAVETT: Do you remember your dreams, Raquel?
RAQUEL WELCH: Ohhh! My dreams.
CAVETT: Your dreams.
WELCH: Which…which ones?
CAVETT: What’s the last one you remember?
WELCH: Oh. I’ve been dreaming nights about that premiere. I mean I just keep seeing pushing and shoving and flashing and getting mad. That’s all. That’s the last dream. But before, um, that when I was a little girl, I always used to dream that there was this ballet dancer and she was doing that — this thing called a forte, which is that terribly difficult and complicated spin that they do. And just doing it, like — intensely. You know? Until there were like sparkles coming out all over the place. And then I can remember this other dream I used to have, where they — there were men and beautiful women on flying trapezes. And they used to do these somersaults and clamp their hands over the bars. It was fantastic and exciting!
CAVETT: Gee.
WELCH: That was all — that’s the only thing that I can really…
JANIS JOPLIN: Do you know about F. Scott Fitzgerald? I mean, were you ever an F. Scott Fitzgerald freak?
WELCH: Sure.
JOPLIN: Yeah, well I was — I’ve been an F. Scott Fitzgerald freak for years and, uh, Zelda just came out. And, uh, you oughta read it. She was something else.
CAVETT: Yeah. Ms. Milford wrote that.
JOPLIN: Yes. She did indeed.
CAVETT: I’d like to read that. Good? You recommend it?
JOPLIN: Yeah. Oh…well, I’m a Fitzgerald freak. But it gives a lot of insight like you…the impression I got from all the Fitzgerald…uh..autobiographies I read was that he sort of destroyed her, right? But he wrote her a letter and he said, they keep saying that we’ve destroyed each other. He said I don’t believe it’s true. He said, we destroyed ourselves.
CAVETT: His letters are wonderful.
JOPLIN: Oh, so are hers!
CAVETT: Did you think of him when she mentioned ballet dancing?
JOPLIN: Yes. That’s what I thought.

From The Dick Cavett Show, June 25, 1970

by Edward Champion

This Week in Desperate Similes

Robert Cringely: “Google is like that kid ahead of me at the bank, driving others mildly insane and enjoying every minutes.”

In Earlier Drafts:

“Google is like that mail order catalog that comes in the mail when your checking account balance is low.”

“Google is like that burned spot at the top of your mouth, just after you’ve finished eating a few slices of pizza.”

“Google is like that final orchestral moment in the Beatles’ ‘A Day in the Life.’ It sounds impressive but goes on too long.”

“Google is like whiskers you forgot to shave under your nose. You don’t mind them, but you can’t wait to go home and shave them off.”