Damon Lindelof and Carlton Cuse Plan Season Five

INT. LOST PRODUCTION OFFICE — DAY

DAMON runs ALL THE WAY THE FUCK INTO THE OFFICE, passing SIX FUCKING WRITERS. He carries a latte — A FUCKING VENTI LATTE, MOTHERFUCKERS! Teach that FUCKING BARISTA a lesson!

CARLTON holds up his hand. Holy. Fucking. Shit. It’s the BIG FUCKING HAND of a FUCKING BIGSHOT TV WRITER!

CARLTON
Emphasis is important.

DAMON
We need more fucking.

CARLTON
More fucking Flann O’Brien.

DAMON
Jack fucks the dead fucking skull of Flann
Fucking O’Brien?

Damon spills his latte onto the boardroom table. Holy. Fuck!

CARLTON
Fuck. Where’s Brian when you need him?

The writers cower underneath the table. BENT and BROKEN! This is a REALLY INTERESTING standoff and suddenly —

BRIAN
Christ, do I need to straighten out another fucking
mess from Season 3?

ON CARLTON. Yeah. Oh yeah. Fucking camera tight on FUCKING Carlton! GET AS CLOSE AS YOU CAN ON HIS FACE OR I’LL CANCEL YOUR LUCRATIVE SENFUCKINSATIONAL CONTRACT, YOU DIRECTOR CUNT!

What? The? Fuck? Writer!

CARLTON
(seriously fucking backpedaling)
Have the intern look up Faraday on Wikipedia again.
Maybe there’s some bullshit science we can throw
in. Keep the fucking websites guessing.


But oh no! YOU FUCKING DIDN’T BRIAN!

And then Damon’s got this like BIG FUCKING LOOK OF HATRED — like he’s going to FUCK Brian. Up. The. Ass.

DAMON
Hey, comic boy. You want to pull some Bryan Fuller shit
on me?

BRIAN
No, man. I was only —

DAMON
Because I’ll write a script with more fucks than
a callgirl’s monthly ledger.

CARLTON
Fuck you.

DAMON
No, fuck you!

And the other writers are like totally RUNNING THE FUCK AWAY as Carlton and Damon are TOTALLY FUCKING BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF EACH OTHER!

– BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! Oh yeah baby! That FUCKING sound. Instantly recognizable as a fucking emphasis. We’re IN THE SHIT here, folks. Make up some kickass camera moves, MOTHERFUCKERS.

And if Brian has some FUCKING IDEAS on where to go from here, well then YOU KNOW HIS FUCKING PHONE NUMBER!

Fuck YOU!

(Tip: Bookshelves of Doom)

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One Comment

  1. I’ve often wondered why Americans think that “have sex” is an obscene insult, while most of the rest of the world uses words referring to “hell” and “damnation” or accusations of questionable ancestry.
    :-S

    Look how weird and strange it gets if you replace “F***” with the synonym “Make love to”:
    —————-

    CARLTON
    Emphasis is important.

    DAMON
    We need more lovemaking.

    CARLTON
    More lovemaking Flann O’Brien.

    DAMON
    Jack makes love to the dead lovemaking skull of Flann Lovemaking O’Brien?

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