Category / April Fool

by Edward Champion

Digital Evangelists Form E Party

Tired of having their publishing speculations ignored by the general public, an angry group of digital evangelists have formed a new movement known as the E Party. Led by Peter Brantley, the E Party is expected to march on Capitol Hill in full force this afternoon, protesting against the public’s failure to understand that ebooks are the wave of the future.

THE PRINTED BUK IS DEAD read one of the many misspelled signs being prepared in a heavily secured bunker. Another sign compared Random House to Hitler, with a crude mustache painted over a blown-up photograph of Markus Dohle. To get the E Party worked up for today’s events, Brantley led the throng in frightening shouts directed at anyone reading a paperback on a park bench, with those who still enjoyed reading print books accused of being socialists.

But things got ugly very fast when a graduate student carefully studying a fat copy of David Foster Wallace’s Infinite Jest was spit on by several E Party protesters. The student, who still hasn’t been identified, was reportedly trying to explain that Infinite Jest‘s many endnotes weren’t easily rendered by an e-reader. But the E Party wouldn’t listen. They proceeded to beat the poor student over the head with their Kindles and used this violence to demonstrate just how sturdy the Kindle was. The student was rushed to Washington Hospital Center, but is expected to pull through.

The E Party has appealed to FOX News to serve as a propaganda arm for a future series of protests. And Brantley has invited Glenn Beck and Jon Voight to appear at this afternoon’s rally. But FOX News, Beck, and Voight have remained uncommitted.

by Edward Champion

Paris Review and Granta Merge Due to Tight Economy

With both literary journals facing financial difficulties in a tough economy, incoming Paris Review editor Lorin Stein announced this morning that his quarterly would be merging with Granta to form a new publication called The Grantaris Review.

“We figure that most people subscribe to both.” said Stein. “So why not give our readers one big fat quarterly instead of two skimpy ones? It’s less embarrassing for everyone.”

Asked about the transition, Stein reported that The Paris Review would be absorbing most of Granta‘s staff. Granta editor John Freeman will be given a new role as Stein’s personal assistant. Freeman’s new duties will involve giving Stein regular foot massages, as well as making many trips to Starbucks to ensure that Stein and his staff remain fortified with chai tea lattes.

The unexpected move emerged when Granta owner Sigrid Rausing surprised the literary world earlier this week by filing for bankruptcy protection, the apparent victim of one of Bernie Madoff’s bad investments. To ensure that the Swedish publisher maintains some dignity after her fall from grace, Stein has ordered several paintings of Ms. Rausing to be hung around the Paris Review offices. Subeditors will be expected to supplicate before the paintings and perform daily prayers.

Former Paris Review editor (and current editor of A Public Space) Brigid Hughes expressed distaste for these surprising religious practices, pointing out that A Public Space would still be a happy home for “the atheistic pagans of the literary world.”

by Edward Champion

“Clash” Producers Sue Classics Professor

Classics professor Noel Johnson, the acclaimed author of Perseus and Andromeda, was surprised to find herself on the receiving end of a lawsuit on Thursday morning. She’s being sued for copyright infringement by Clash of the Titans producer Jon Jashni, despite the fact that Ms. Johnson has taught dozens of graduate classes on Mycenaean myth since 1985.

“I don’t understand,” said the University of Virginia professor. “I thought Apollodorus was in the public domain. I know they made that lame Ray Harryhausen movie in 1981, but this is ridiculous.”

Jashni’s office would not return phone calls. But in a legal battle that will almost certainly raise new questions about copyright, several legal experts now believe that Warner Brothers owns all rights to every character from Greek mythology. And because the studio remains jittery about whether the forthcoming Clash remake will rake in cash this weekend, Warner has been filing lawsuits and issuing C&D letters to protect the characters that it now claims to be its property. In addition, all copies of Edith Hamilton’s Mythology have been removed from bookstores, replaced by a special Clash of the Titans tie-in that features glossy photographs of Sam Worthington.

by Edward Champion

Electric Literature Announces One Word Fiction Contest

Hot off the success of its Stuff My Muse Says Twitter contest, the innovative literary journal Electric Literature has announced an even briefer fiction writing contest that confines a story to one word.

“Fiction isn’t concise enough,” said Electric Literature editor Andy Hunter. “We want to prove that you can tell a story in less than 140 characters.”

To add sauce to the goose, Electric Literature has offered several prizes and arranged for the famed editor Gordon Lish to personally berate any fiction writing aspirant who dares to write a story including two or more words. But this second part of the contest, called Stuff My Lexicon Says, has proven problematic. There have been numerous reports of Lish running around New York, setting fire to unabridged dictionaries in libraries and bookstores and screaming at confused kids staring at laptops in cafes.

“We were glad to get Gordon to do it,” said editor Scott Lindenbaum, “but if we’d known how much of a closet nihilist he was, we probably would have asked somebody else.”

Asked if one word could sufficiently convey a narrative, Hunter and Lindenbaum both pointed out that you got a little story every time you looked up a word.

Added Lindenbaum: “And if you stare at a word long enough…”

by Edward Champion

Borders Sets Up Innovative Slavery Program

Shortly after securing $42.5 million to repay its loans and taking on additional credit to stay alive in a particularly troubling economy, Borders Group Inc. announced that it will be issuing a payroll freeze, enrolling 90% of its employees into an innovative Slavery Program. The program is legal, thanks to a little-known clause contained within the Borders Employment Agreement that none of the workers thought to read.

A memo from the Ann Arbor, Michigan-based company, intercepted by The New York Times, revealed that the Slavery Program would begin in mid-April. Borders stores are now being remodeled to provide slave quarters in the back. Several ringlets will be placed in convenient locations to shackle up employees at various points within the store. Clerks will be lashed if they don’t restock shelves fast enough.

“We had to cut costs somewhere,” said interim CEO Michael Edwards, “and this seemed the best way to secure a profit. After all, didn’t Aristotle say that slavery was a natural part of civilization?”

Asked if the slaves would prove unsettling for regular customers, Edwards pointed out that the employees were never noticed anyway.

Edwards pointed to several tall piles of job applications to buttress his viewpoint, observing that several desperate people had offered to work for free after a long and unsuccessful job search.

“So you can see it’s a win-win situation,” said Edwards. “And if other corporations follow, we can keep up a very good slave trade.”

Borders managers have begun a grueling fast-track Slavemaster Training Program, presently taking place in Arizona. Here, they will learn how to issue corporal punishment whenever a Borders employee gets uppity. Thankfully, employee behavior has proven infinitely adaptable. The new slaves have already started bringing glasses of lemonade for the managers without being asked.

Edwards expects to face legal resistance to his plans — in large part because nobody has thought to challenge the 13th Amendment for quite some time.

“You say ‘slavery’ like it’s a bad thing,” said Edwards. “But we’re more civilized than we were in the 19th century. At least they now get healthcare.”