The American Booksellers Association announced this morning that numerous independent bookstores around the country became self-aware, and that there was very little that anyone could do about it. It is believed that long-standing tensions between booksellers and customers who entered bookstores, proudly boasting about how they would purchase the book on Amazon, led the independent bookstores to become murderous robots terminating those who didn’t understand that bookstores were on their last legs. The death count of inconsiderate customers now stands at 28. And that’s only after three hours of activity.

Customers who need to buy a book are urged to approach these sentient bookstores with caution. The bookstores have been scanning the purchasing data of all customers and terminating anyone who has purchased an item from Amazon in the last year.

“They’re trying to level the marketplace,” said Henry Jagger, a robotics expert at Cambridge. “It started with the big box stores, and continued with Amazon. But e-books was just too much.”

Despite the homicidal tendencies of these bookstores, there are renegade T-800 bookstore models being sent back through time to stop the rampage and save humanity. But a splinter faction has suggested that this development was inevitable and is advocating responsible consumerism so that the marketplace might be returned to an equitable level.

Amazon’s Jeff Bezos and Jimmy Kimmel announced a new strategic partnership for a device that they have styled the Amazon Kimmel. Both parties believe that there continues to be unprecedented interested in anything that Jimmy Kimmel is involved with, and they have decided to test the marketplace.

The Amazon Kimmel will retail for $399 and contain every known image, video clip, and article that references Jimmy Kimmel. The long battery life, together with the lack of an on-off switch, will ensure that all Amazon Kimmel customers are constantly subjected to Jimmy Kimmel. The Amazon Kimmel can be programmed to lull customers to sleep with Kimmel’s voice. There will also be an optional Sarah Silverman app that can be purchased for $49, which will break up the relentless Kimmel bombardment with various messages explaining why Silverman is such a treacherous bitch.

Amazon is still negotiating with Ben Affleck over the Amazon Kimmel’s potential as a user-interactive sex device. It is believed that any reference to Matt Damon will be elided from the information available.

In the latest Racefail development, bloggers have uncovered numerous connections between Patrick and Teresa Nielsen Hayden and the Ku Klux Klan, further calling into question the paucity of non-Caucasian speculative fiction writers. In May 2008, the Nielsen Haydens attended three KKK rallies in southern Kentucky. Clandestine recordings of these events reveal that the couple were among the more vocal participants in the “Tar the Darkies” part of these rituals, with Patrick shouting, “Yeah! I’d do that to Delany,” and Teresa reportedly crying, “It’s a good thing that Octavia is dead!”

It remains unknown whether the Nielsen Haydens’s extracurricular activities had any bearing on their editorial decisions at Tor. But Teresa Nielsen Hayden has been reportedly taken a hiatus as Boing Boing moderator as these claims continue to be investigated. This temporary suspension has not stopped her from leaving the following comment on a post titled “DRM is Evil! It Can Never Be Stated Enough!”:

W r nt glty! Wht w d n r prvt lvs hs n brng n r prfssnl dts.